Feeling lonely in marriage is a very painful experience. You sit next to each other on the couch, share meals, sleep in the same bed and yet there is a growing emotional distance that you can’t ignore.
Sometimes, loneliness in marriage shows up as a conflict, maybe an argument. Sometimes it shows up as a coexisting, minimal talking, passing like ships in the night. Many couples describe it as managing responsibilities, sharing space but not truly hearing or seeing each other. For some spouses it can feel like you are just part of the furniture. You are both there, just existing, getting through the day without having a real connection, without being truly noticed.
How Do Couples Find Themselves Lonely in Marriage?
Emotional disconnection creeps in slowly and silently. Life gets busy. Loneliness in marriage is felt with an emotional disconnection; it is not just a physical separation.
Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned researcher on marital stability says, healthy couples turn towards each other. What does that entail? Paying attention to your spouse’s verbal and non-verbal cues, choosing to engage rather than ignore, choosing to connect with your spouse rather than withdraw.
Are your bids of connections getting missed, over and over again? Are your spouse’s? Turning away from your spouse’s bid for connection will lead to disconnection and feelings of loneliness can and will start to grow.
Loneliness in Marriage Might Feel Like
Being unseen, invisible in your marriage
Unappreciated and taken for granted
An afterthought, not a priority
You are living parallel lives
Conversations stay surface level (kids, bills, “business of the day” conversations)
Being hesitant to share your deeper thoughts or feelings
Disappointed after spending time together because you were hoping to feel connected and that didn’t happen
Missing what you used have as a couple while wondering what happened and what should you do
Common Distractions that Contribute to a Lonely Marriage
All marriages will have daily demands and pressures of life that will take time and energy. Some of the common distractions are work and career responsibilities, parenting responsibilities, household chores, care taking roles with extended family members, technology and screen time, social commitments and emotional avoidance.
Being ignored in a marriage feels like a rejection and a betrayal. It can negatively impact your self-worth. It will also cause resentment and disconnection that over time will destroy your marriage. Don’t let this happen in your relationship.
Connected couples will figure out how to not let these distractions take over and become the only priorities. Figuring out how to juggle life’s responsibilities while working as a team and keeping the spark alive in marriage is vital to the health of your relationship.
As a Marriage Therapist in Plantation Florida, I suggest that you and your spouse take some steps to make sure that you are not drifting apart. Be mindful that you both need to feel seen, heard and appreciated. Be partners in a team that feels connected.
Reconnection Steps to Take When You’re Feeling Lonely in Marriage
1. Talk about feeling lonely in the marriage and the need to reconnect. Start with a gently startup and have an honest conversation. Avoid pointing fingers and placing blame. An example of a gentle startup without blame is, “I have been feeling a little lonely lately and I miss feeling close to you. Can we talk about this?”
2. After the talk, if the two of you decide you want to start a new routine that could help you both get out of feeling emotionally lonely, then try this every day. Set aside 10-30 minutes a day for uninterrupted conversation. Make sure you find a time with no distractions. It would be helpful if you pick a time where the kids are occupied and you can each put down the phones. This should be a time to focus on each other and conversation. Share whatever you feel is most important to you. Hopefully, over time, your conversations will help alleviate feeling lonely in the marriage.
3. Think about your daily interactions with your spouse and bring back the little things. Keep in mind that small daily gestures will help rebuild emotional connection. It will say, “I see you and I’m glad you are part of my life.” Some examples that work for my marriage are the weekend walks my husband and I take, the morning coffee together just sitting on the couch as we talk and when we ask the simple question “How are you and is there something I can do to support you today?”
4. Get curious about your spouse’s needs, wants, desires, thoughts, and opinions. Ask open ended questions and get to know your spouse in this phase of their life. Many times, we get so busy with life, kids, work, household responsibilities and we forget that the two people who make the couple are growing. Take time to know the person you are currently married to and not just the person you married many years ago. We all grow in different ways. Staying connected will help you grow together instead of growing apart. Making your marriage a priority is a very important marital goal.
5. Consider couples counseling with a relationship expert. A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist can help both of you when there is a gap that has been created over many years and at this point is too large to fill alone. Trained marriage therapists know how to create a safe environment to explore what is missing and will recognize any negative patterns. The relationship therapist will share tools that will help your marriage get unstuck and help you both feel heard and understood. An important marital goal is to make your marriage a priority for both spouses.
If you are lonely in your marriage, thinking about #5 and want to get started on marriage counseling, contact me. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Your Relationship Expert in Florida, I can help. For over twenty years I have been transforming marriages from disconnected couples to feeling connected and in love all over again.
I Transform Relationships, one relationship at a time and yours can be next.
Your Relationship Expert,
