My Empty Nest Mom Story
Dear Empty Nest Mom,
How are you? Are your emotions all over the place? Proud? Happy? Excited? Sad? Nervous? Worried? Melancholy? Lost?
I get it! I am right there with you.
Growing up in Florida, my son’s dream has been to attend the University of Florida and become part of Gator Nation. When he received the news on February 23, 2024, the excitement and happiness that we all felt is almost difficult to describe. We were beaming and our hearts swelled with pride!
For me, as a graduate of the University of Florida, knowing that my son was going to be able to live in the incredible town of Gainesville and be a Florida Gator, I was overcome with emotions.
I remember the first time I stepped on to the UF campus in the 80’s and I will never forget the look on my son’s face when he saw the campus for the first time during our family’s college tour.
My family lives in South Florida and in the middle of the summer, I left part of my heart in Gainesville. My son, my pride and joy, started college, summer B at the University of Florida.
Yes, I left part of my heart in Gainesville as his college journey began. What do you do when you live in one place and you leave part of your heart in another? How can your heart hurt so much and be filled with so much pride and love? Emotions! All over the place.
It was great, in theory. College tours were fun, shopping for the dorm, fun. After dropping him off, setting up his dorm and then saying our goodbyes, I wondered what do I do with all my emotions?
I am happy and excited for him as he starts his new journey. Happy that he is going to an amazing school, will get a fabulous education, have numerous opportunities, and experience the college life he wants and has worked very hard to obtain.
And I feel like this is going to be so hard because for 18 years I have watched my child grow and I had the privilege to be a big part of his life. It will be hard to not have that type of involvement anymore.
I am sad and nervous that the house will feel empty without his laughter.
I will miss hearing the excited screams coming from his room when he is playing video games a little too late or the loud cheering as his friends are all in my family room watching a Miami Heat or a Florida Panther’s game.
I will miss listening to him play the piano and I feel like the music has literally left my house. I guess it is time to listen to Spotify a bit more.
I will miss watching him play in his basketball games, water polo games, and bowling tournaments. The house will be quiet and the silence will be loud.
I will even miss the mess of his school backpack and sports equipment on the floor by the front door.
How do you go from daily interaction, knowing and approving where your child is to not knowing and to no longer being the one who makes the decisions?
He is in college, he is 18, he is an adult.
How did we get to this moment? It does seem like it went fast.
The advice I received from a friend years ago was to enjoy every moment and I did.
It is very interesting that what mothers want when their children are little and what they want when they have older kids can be the same and some things are very different.
When they are little, moms want some “alone” time. Time to run to Target, get a pedicure, talk uninterrupted to a friend and to go to the bathroom without a toddler following you.
Then your child grows up and as a mom, you want them to sit with you, laugh with you, share stories and pictures from their life so you can feel connected.
The saying, “The days are long and the years are short,” is so true. As a mom, I savored every moment and I also feel like I blinked and now we are here.
When my son was younger and college was so abstract, he would tell me, “You can go with me mommy to college.” I would say, “You say that now but will change your mind.” He would answer, “No mommy, never.” This was also the same year he told me I should go on American Idol because I would win and anyone who has heard me sing would absolutely disagree.
Where does the time go?
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the little boy he used to be. That vision makes me sigh and smile. While the young man standing in front of me makes me proud and gives me the sense of a job well done.
Even though right now it might feel like I got fired from the job that I was amazing at and earned employee of the year, every year.
I know that my job as mom is not over although the job description has shifted.
I take comfort in remembering the little boy that entered preschool with a hug, a smile, and a wave goodbye. As I closed the preschool door and was on the other side, away from my son’s eyes, I cried. The preschool director saw me, gave me a hug, and told me, he is ready and you will get there.
I had a similar experience with the start of his freshman year of college, we shared a hug, a smile, and a wave goodbye as I held back the tears, as best as I could. As we drove away, my husband gave me a hug and held my hand. I reminded myself that my son is ready and I will get there.
With warm wishes and lots of hugs,
Michelle
Empty Nest Moms
Empty nest syndrome affects both parents and many times it seems mothers feel it a little stronger. Data shows that women grieve over the decreased levels of contact they will now have with their child (children) once they leave the house to go to college.
When I think about empty nest moms, the first quote that comes to mind is “A mother’s job is to teach her children not to need her anymore. The hardest part of that job is accepting success.” Thank you, Rochelle B. Weinstein, for your powerful quote that sums up how many mothers’ feel!
Many mothers see motherhood as their primary role after dedicating so many years of their lives to raising their child/children. So, when faced with an empty nest, the sense of loss is strong and the redefining of a major role in your life needs to happen.
Moms go from being the supervisor of a child life to being a spectator. That shift can be difficult. It will probably take some time adjusting to the new role.
I just focused on the moms for a moment and I want to remind you that empty nest can affect parents of any gender and age in a variety of ways. All parents who experience feelings around their child leaving home are strongly encouraged to share their feelings with someone they trust. Have a conversation with your spouse, a trusted family member, a trusted friend, or talk to a licensed therapist who can help you process your feelings and help you cope with this life transition.
Tips on Coping as an Empty Nest Mom
- Acknowledge that you are grieving as it is a grieving process
- Take some time to grieve but do not stay in that space
- Embrace the quiet and find the positives that quiet has to offer
- Establish a new routine
- Call a friend who can listen to you and your feelings about being an empty nest mom
- Laugh more, try watching funny movies, shows, going to a comedy show
- Listen to feel good songs, sing, and dance around the house
- Spend more time exercising
- Use the extra time to practice self-care
- Spend time reconnecting with your spouse
- Find a new hobby and embrace it
- Volunteer and make it something that you enjoy
- Set up a communication plan with your college student
- Plan visits to see your college student and for them to come home
- See a therapist who can help with life’s transitions
From one empty nest mom to another, I am sending you warm wishes, lots of hugs and a reminder that your child is ready and you will get there.
Your Relationship Expert,
P.S. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Florida, I Transform Relationships, one relationship at a time. If you live in Florida and are experiencing relationship struggles including life’s transitions, contact me, I can help. If you want to find out how an empty nest couple can reconnect, read, Empty Nest and Marriage, The Next Chapter.
